But Before We Do this Again


“I’m afraid I’ll never be able to say, yes, let’s do this again. I’ll never be ready. Because I don’t want to do it again. I just don’t.”

It’s Monday, February 4, 2019 and I’m laying in my bed next to my husband at the end of a long day. Our 19-month old daughter is sleeping in her bed in the room next to ours. I’m crying, because I don’t know if I can do it again.

We promised each other we wouldn’t talk about our next baby until our daughter turned two, but we both agreed I needed to find a new doctor before then. And on this day, on Monday, February 4, I made my appointment with a new doctor. 

As we reflected on a pregnancy riddled with issues – previa, abruption, premature rupture of membranes, premature birth – we began compiling the list of questions we would need to ask this new doctor, hoping she could fill the big shoes that’d been left empty when our last pregnancy went horrendously wonky. 

What are the chances those issues could happen again?

What does it look like for my body to be pregnant?

How long can I carry a baby?

What could we do differently to take precautions?

And is this even a good idea at all?

I’m crying, and I whisper, “I just wish I could close my eyes and wake up pregnant so I wouldn’t have to make the conscious decision to put my body through that again…” 


In the stats: 
Gestational Age: 3 weeks, 6 days