We made the conscious decision to celebrate the gender reveal as if the real meat of this ultrasound wasn’t about placental problems. So off we went to the little, local hospital down the road on a Friday morning, my bladder full, my husband praying for a boy.
To this day, I still can’t really describe the devastation I felt on that day. I’d hoped so badly our pregnancy wouldn’t be defined by the havoc of our issues – that they might be temporary. But on this day, I lost all hope that things could return to normal.
In my heart, I fully believed we were starting our family with this pregnancy. But in my mind, what toyed with me, slaloming in and out of my thoughts, was that we might not even have a baby at the end of this. To go through so much and end up with nothing seemed too unfair to be possible.
The good days felt cruel. We could see right through them. Behind their transparent bliss lurked the bad days. We knew we weren’t out of the woods, but starting blood loss again was harder than starting it in the first place.
It was as if, in word, it was easier to commit to hopelessness – to plan on more blood. Between the detriment of our pregnancy, the lack of sleep, the loss of blood and the navigation of interactions, I hope this was one of the hardest weeks I ever have to live.
I dreaded going to bed each night, because going to bed meant lying still for 6-8 hours, purely waiting for my body to fail me.
I patiently waited for my body to fail me again. And it did. Blood. Again. We had answers as to what was wrong, but we still had so many questions as to what this would mean. And for those answers, only time could tell.
I’d been awake for less than 30 seconds, yet my nightmare was just beginning. Blood. So much blood that there was no question – things were not ok.
There in my journal, on January 4, 2017 sits the goal that would become the excruciating theme that would encapsulate so much of 2017. Slow down.
One more sleep, one more day of work, and then an evening of visiting/calling all our immediate family to finally, finally, spill our happy news.