The Things We Lost

I dreaded going to bed each night, because going to bed meant lying still for 6-8 hours, purely waiting for my body to fail me.

4.11.17

“Going to bed is scary. I don’t want to fall asleep and wake up to another nightmare.”

Looking back on the week where our pregnancy spiraled out of control, what feels worse than the blood loss is the loss of sleep. Both losses would go on to become “normal” in our pregnancy, but in those first five days, if I had to guess, I probably slept a total of 14 hours of 120… and most of that sleep occurred in 5-10 minute increments when I just couldn’t keep my body awake despite my very wakeful mind.

I dreaded going to bed each night, because going to bed meant lying still for 6-8 hours, purely waiting for my body to fail me. It was essentially an odd form of solitary confinement, being trapped awake in the dark, silent nights yet doing everything in my power not to fall asleep, because sleep meant failure.

Sleep is a beautiful, beautiful thing. I think any new parent would agree with that, but my daughter, postpartum, has never kept me awake for five days straight. I was sick in every way possible for those five days. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically… A human is not meant to operate without sleep.

On the 11th, we went back to my OB for a follow up after our emergency room visit. We wanted to know what our new information meant for the rest of our pregnancy. Instead, we learned I also had two large ovarian cysts that would continue to be monitored and hopefully not interfere with the pregnancy. As for our fate, the doctor tried her best not to give any answers at all. It was frustrating. The most she said was we could easily face pre-term labor, but things could also still return to “normal”.

We were just too early to really predict how this would go.

In the stats: 
Gestational Age: 16 weeks, 3 days
Days of blood: 9
Days of bedrest: 6

Doctor’s Appointments: 5
Ultrasounds: 2

Sponsor/Join Oaklee's March of Dimes team.

P.S. Remember when I said you wouldn’t find pictures of my dog on this blog? I neglected to think about the fact that the bulk of the time I was at home on bedrest, the only thing I took pictures of was my dog. I’m trying to stay as true to each date as possible in stats, journal quotes and photos, so for the duration of my bedrest at home, you’re welcome… cute pictures of my dog like the one on this post. What a perfect, comforting buddy he was in this time. Dogs are the best, aren’t they?