(Two) Down

One last post on this year’s March for Babies (though you can still donate to this year!).

While I didn’t meet my personal goal of $2000 this year, I went into Walk day at $1655, which felt pretty good! Plus, our team went in with $4060 – over $1000 more than our goal of $3000! That kept us at a proud, third place finish overall.

Hi friends,

One last post on this year’s March for Babies (though you can still donate to this year!).

Saturday was a beautiful day. Just like last year, it was so inspiring to see so many families in one place whose lives have been affected by March of Dimes in some way. We take solace in knowing we’re not the only ones, and we celebrate the success we’ve had because of the work of March of Dimes.

While I didn’t meet my personal goal of $2000 this year, I went into Walk day at $1655, which felt pretty good! Plus, our team went in with $4060 – over $1000 more than our goal of $3000! That kept us at a proud, third place finish overall (second in family teams).

One last big thank you to the following people who helped us do this!
Grandpa and Grandma Grasmeyer
Grandpa and Grandma Merritt
Aunt Jenna and Uncle Josh
Becky and Ryan Grasmeyer
Aunt Sharon and Uncle George
Mark and Heather Swierenga
Dan and Claire Larabel
Bill and Emily Madsen
Tyler and Tessa DeNooyer
Alesha and Jeremy Schut
Betsy and Eli Cromwell
Kimberly Reich
Autumn Bollman
Sarah and Josh Stuitje
Sarah Potter
Dale Waite
Lauren Edwards
Sue Snow
Anne Jansingh
Vicki DeKoning
Susan Whichard Babin

Two walks down, many to come!

(Two) Days

We’re just two days away from March Two (not the date – the March for Babies)! We’re not going to reach our goal of two thousand dollars this year, and though I’m bummed, I think I’m ok with it…

We’re just two days away from March Two (not the date – the March for Babies)! We’re not going to reach our goal of two thousand dollars this year, and though I’m bummed, I think I’m ok with it.

I can understand that the farther you get from your situation (in our case, Oaklee’s start), the less the people around you see it as a dire situation. Kevin and I are lucky to be able to see past Oaklee’s start most days and just enjoy living life with our (almost) two year old. It’s been a wild ride over these past two years, but we’re finally sailing smoother seas. 

I can only hope that by the time we have baby number two, we will only ever have smooth seas, we won’t spend a day in the NICU, and maybe… maybe our heart for the March of Dimes will one day fade, two (oops). 

But for this year, thank you to those of you who’ve chosen to invest again in an organization that means so much to us:
Grandpa and Grandma Grasmeyer
Grandpa and Grandma Merritt
Aunt Jenna and Uncle Josh
Becky and Ryan Grasmeyer
Aunt Sharon and Uncle George
Mark and Heather Swierenga
Dan and Claire Larabel
Bill and Emily Madsen
Alesha and Jeremy Schut
Betsy and Eli Cromwell
Kimberly Reich
Sarah and Josh Stuitje
Sarah Potter
Dale Waite
Lauren Edwards
Sue Snow
Anne Jansingh
Vicki DeKoning
Susan Whichard Babin

(Two) Weeks

With just two weeks to go until the March for Babies, I’m excited to report that we are in the Circle of Champions, having raised over $1000! We had a goal to raise $2000 this year, and I don’t think we’ll get there, but I am so happy to be able to give any amount to an organization that is fighting for the health of moms and babies in need.

With just two weeks to go until the March for Babies, I’m excited to report that we are in the Circle of Champions, having raised over $1000!

We had a goal to raise $2000 this year, and I don’t think we’ll get there, but I am so happy to be able to give any amount to an organization that is fighting for the health of moms and babies in need.

We learned two years ago how quickly you can become a mom or baby in need. We’ll forever be grateful for the ways God has blessed this organization to help those moms and babies through research and medical advancements that have helped saved thousands of lives.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to the following people who’ve helped us raise this much so far:
Grandpa and Grandma Grasmeyer
Grandpa and Grandma Merritt
Aunt Jenna and Uncle Josh
Becky and Ryan Grasmeyer
Aunt Sharon and Uncle George
Mark and Heather Swierenga
Dan and Claire Larabel
Alesha and Jeremy Schut
Sarah Potter
Dale Waite
Sue Snow
Anne Jansingh
Vicki DeKoning

Baby(‘s) (Two)

Kevin and I know all too well how blessed we are to have brought Oaklee into the world in the twenty-first century. Even 25 years earlier, things would have gone so differently. The research of organizations like March of Dimes is monumental in the care of preemies like Oaklee. Please consider making a contribution towards that research. No parent deserves to lose a child they’ve barely had. While we are incredibly lucky to have Oaklee with us today, there are thousands of parents every year who cannot say the same. Let’s change that together. 

Almost exactly two years ago, Kevin and I learned we would have to lean on medical advancements for the life of our baby. When my body began expelling vast amounts of blood at 16 weeks pregnant, we questioned whether the pregnancy would last and if so, how long it could manage.

11.5 weeks later, it could last no longer. Oaklee was born three months too soon. Her road was rocky at first. She spent 69 days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. She received an absurd amount of treatments and tests and scans for someone who was only 69 days old, but she came home with us.

Now she’s almost two. You might never be able to tell she was a preemie, but you probably didn’t have to live the life that follows prematurity.

You probably didn’t have to let the doctors sweep your baby and the machines keeping her alive out of the operating room minutes after her birth. You probably didn’t have to leave your baby in the hospital when you were discharged to go home. You probably didn’t have to cart your baby to specialist after specialist for the first 18 months of her life to determine if she was developmentally ok.

And you probably didn’t have to re-consider your future family planning because of how the birth of your first child went.

In one month, my family walks for Oaklee at the March for Babies. My family walks for Oaklee, and my family walks for any of my yet-to-be-born children. I want to believe I am never going to face the situation we faced with my first pregnancy again. But just in case, I cling tightly to the important research and changing practices in the healthcare of moms and babies like me and Oaklee. 

Please consider supporting the work of March of Dimes with me – for my family, for my yet-to-be-born children, for your family, for your neighbors, for your friends… You just never know who will end up using these life-saving resources.

(Two) Years Ago

Kevin and I know all too well how blessed we are to have brought Oaklee into the world in the twenty-first century. Even 25 years earlier, things would have gone so differently. The research of organizations like March of Dimes is monumental in the care of preemies like Oaklee. Please consider making a contribution towards that research. No parent deserves to lose a child they’ve barely had. While we are incredibly lucky to have Oaklee with us today, there are thousands of parents every year who cannot say the same. Let’s change that together. 

Two years ago on this day, Kevin and I excitedly told our families we were expecting a baby. What we weren’t expecting, was to have to tell them just 24 days later that things were not ok.

Over the course of April 6 and 7, we learned the terms “previa” and “abruption”. Relieved our baby was still alive, we knew she would have to fight to thrive amidst this situation. 

Just two and a half months later, my body was no longer fit to carry my child. She had fought and I had progressively given her a worse and worse atmosphere to develop in.

The doctors pulled my baby from me three months early to save her life. There were hours where it looked like she might not make it despite the incredible fight she’d put up on the inside. But there are medical advances that stepped in when I was no longer able to keep her safe. 

Kevin and I know all too well how blessed we are to have brought Oaklee into the world in the twenty-first century. Even 25 years earlier, things would have gone so differently. The research of organizations like March of Dimes is monumental in the care of preemies like Oaklee. 

Please, PLEASE consider making a contribution towards that research. No parent deserves to lose a child they’ve barely had. While we are incredibly lucky to have Oaklee with us today, there are thousands of parents every year who cannot say the same. Let’s change that together. 

March (Two)

If it’s in your heart to give, we pray you’ll consider donating towards Oaklee’s team in the March for Babies on May 5 in Grand Rapids, MI.

Friends,

I am beyond excited to be joining up with fellow mommies of preemies this year and marching once again in March of Dimes’ March for Babies!

After Oaklee was born three months premature, I started hearing names here and there of girls from my past who had also had premature babies and had also spent time living the NICU life. I could not believe how many of us there are even just from my high school! For my second March, I’m teaming up with these ladies and their babes, and together we’re fighting for healthy moms and strong babies.

As I’ve mentioned before, 1 in 10 babies are born premature. Prematurity is the #1 cause of infant mortality.

So what does March of Dimes do? Allow me to borrow their simplest definition: “March of Dimes leads the fight for the health of all moms and babies.” And then let’s add words from their materials to explain they, “focus on fighting birth defects, premature birth and infant death with innovations like newborn screenings and surfactant therapy; education for medical professionals and the public about best practices; and lifesaving research. [They] provide comfort and support to families in NICUs and advocated for those who need [them] most, moms and babies.”

So what did March of Dimes do for us? March of Dimes grantees helped develop surfactant therapy, which was introduced in 1990, and has since then reduced the rate of death by Respiratory Distress Syndrome (which Oaklee was diagnosed with upon birth) in half. They’re also working on new approaches to deliver inhaled nitric oxide (a treatment Oaklee also had) to where it is needed in the lungs to prevent Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia. This is the type of research we need people to do, and the frontrunner for why this little family of three wants to raise money for an organization that may have literally saved Oaklee’s life.

On a smaller scale, the March of Dimes NICU Family Support is also a great program. Being in the NICU is hell. I wouldn’t wish any amount of time there on my worst enemy, but I’m so very grateful for the good things the NICU Family Support program is doing because the little things make a huge difference. They gave us booklets of information that took words like “surfactant therapy” and “bronchopulmonary dysplasia” and put them into laymen’s terms that even the just-gave-birth-and-desperately-in-need-of-a-transfusion woman could understand. They offered educational classes with previous NICU parents and Lactation Consultants and other various experts. They gave us keepsake books, milestone markers and little gift bags. And, oh my gosh, the little rubber duckies we found at Oaklee’s isolette on the holidays she spent in the NICU… It truly is the little things, isn’t it?

Simply put, raising $2000 is not enough to repay March of Dimes for what they did for us, but we’ll start there, and someday we’ll find a way to continue giving, to continue improving the outlook for premature babies like Oaklee.

So if it’s in your heart to give, I pray you’ll consider donating towards Oaklee’s team in the March for Babies on May 4 in Grand Rapids, MI. And if you’re local, we’d love to have you walk on our team with us. So many of you have already proven your place in the village that will raise our child and it is such a blessing to have you on Team Oaklee today and every day.

My Christmas Letter… Again

I don’t know what 2019 holds, but this is where my re-telling ends. This is where we officially let Oaklee be Oaklee. Our story, these days, is not much different than the stories of other 18-month-olds… and that feels pretty good. 

Be sure to read through to the P.S. at the bottom!

12.31.17

“I think I’m just going to be a mommy now and enjoy this baby phase with Oaklee…”

Friends and family,

As I close out the re-telling of our 2017, I look back on 2018 and see so much love, so much joy and so much redemption. I feel so humbled by the way God has turned my story around. 2017 was hard and painful. 2018 was hard and beautiful. I became a mom in 2017. I embraced being a mom in 2018.

In 2017, I fought a 6 month breastfeeding battle through anger, tears and frustration, leaning heavily on my breastpump. In 2018, I breastfed my child – largely with ease – the entire year.

In 2017, I was confined to the greater Grand Rapids area due to bedrest, proximity to the hospital, and, eventually, having a smaller-than-usual baby at home. In 2018, my husband and I took that baby from sea to shining sea – from Portland, ME to Portland, OR – catching weekends in Illinois, New York and northern Michigan in between.

In 2017, my baby was seen daily by a doctor for 69 days before attending 22 appointments in the remaining 3 months of the year. Not once did she appear on the growth chart. Not once did she make any developmental achievement at or ahead of what her actual age would have suggested. In 2018, my baby attended a total of 20 appointments with various health professionals. She made her first appearance on the growth chart in early January, coming in at the 2nd percentile for weight, and closed out the year over the 30th. She developed at or above expectations and finished the year – like any other 18-month old – a walking, talking toddler.

In 2017, I began feeding other babies with excess breastmilk, an opportunity I’d never aspired to have, but one I was confronted with. I donated to Oaklee’s neighbor(s) in both places she’d lived – in the NICU and at home. In 2018, I donated even more milk to those babies, plus a friend-of-a-friend’s baby, donating a total of 4,000oz (31.25 gallons, to put that in perspective). While I hated almost everything that came along with having an over-abundant supply of breastmilk, I would do it again and again if it meant I would have the opportunity to help mommies/babies so substantially like I was able to over the course of these past 18 months.

In 2017, I was stretched, I was mad, I was frustrated, sad, blindsided, confused, scared, regretful, tired, hopeful, relieved, grateful, redeemed. In 2018, I was stretched, I was happy, I was joyful, busy, adventurous, grateful, love-filled, content.

I don’t know what 2019 holds, but this is where my re-telling ends. This is where we officially let Oaklee be Oaklee. Our story, these days, is not much different than the stories of other 18-month-olds… and that feels pretty good.

Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

In the stats:
Birth weight: 2lb, 12oz
Last known weight: 10lb 8oz (12.1.17)
Adjusted age: 14 weeks, 1 day
Actual age: 26 weeks, 3 days
Days in the hospital: 69
Days home: 116
Appointments since home: 22

P.S. Thank you to those who’ve journeyed along with me through this re-telling! I do not have any concrete plans for where things will go next in this blog particularly, and will therefore take no offense should you choose to unfollow. There may be some radio silence for a while, but I will continue to post book reviews for those interested in what I’m reading, I will be fundraising for the March of Dimes again and will give updates as to progress there, and I will fill you in (eventually) on my next writing project – something I’ve dreamed about for years and am very excited to take steps toward in 2019!

Redemption

For every minute I sat alone with my pump, every time I washed the pump parts, every discomfort I felt in having an oversupply of breastmilk, every tear I cried through our breastfeeding battle, I found redemption in the opportunity to not only feed my child, but her NICU roommates as well.

12.29.17

“The most notable gift I gave this season was the gift of 1,836 ounces of breastmilk to the mom of the preemie twins who were in the same room as Oaklee in the NICU… I gave her over half of my freezer stock that’s left after having given 1000 oz to my neighbor, too. What a blessing it is to be able to be this blessing to another NICU mom. I don’t think I’ve ever given a better gift.”

For every minute I sat alone with my pump, every time I washed the pump parts, every discomfort I felt in having an oversupply of breastmilk, every tear I cried through our breastfeeding battle, I found redemption in the opportunity to not only feed my child, but her NICU roommates as well.

Over the course of Oaklee’s 69-day NICU stay, I was able to get to know a fellow NICU parent. In a room of eight isolettes, babies came and babies went, but two isolettes were occupied the entire time by twin girls born at roughly the same gestational age as Oaklee. Their mommy, L, and I would chat briefly as we passed each other in the halls or turned in our breast milk to the Nutrition room.

As we both prepared for the discharge of our kiddos, L mentioned the challenge it would be for her to maintain her pumping regime while adding the sole responsibility of feeding and caring for two babies on top of it.

L is a single mother. The twins are kiddos two and three for her. While, at the time, I did not know her story, I saw a great opportunity in what I did know to help Oaklee’s NICU roommates. On the day of Oaklee’s discharge, I left a note with L that included my phone number and told her of my overabundant supply of breastmilk. I urged her to reach out if/when she ran out of her own freezer stock once the girls came home.

Over the course of the next couple of months, I didn’t hear anything. Eventually, my freezer stock filled my deep freezer, my parent’s larger deep freezer and my parent’s upright freezer. I had an unruly supply of breastmilk – one I would never get all the way through, and one that was taking up more than my fair share of space in another person’s freezer.

With no way to get a hold of L, I reached out to my neighbor, whose son was born one day after Oaklee and had been on donor milk ever since. Over the course of two deliveries, I gave him 1000 oz of breastmilk, clearing out the upright freezer of my parents and dipping into their deep freezer.

Breastmilk is good for one year when stored in a deep freezer. Knowing I had more than I could use, I was aware I would need to donate more, and I would need to do it in a way that gave the receiver enough time to use it up before it expired. I didn’t know if L would reach out to me, and unfortunately, I couldn’t wait.

Similarly to how I’d decided the end of the year would be the end of the breastfeeding battle, I decided December 29 would be the cutoff for my waiting on L. On December 29, Oaklee would be 6 months old. My breastmilk would have a minimum expiration time of 6 months so long as I found someone to donate to quickly.

And on December 29, I received a text message from L, inquiring about the milk. In retrospect, I can see how many moments of our journey were clearly Divinely aligned, but this one was obvious from the moment I received that text message.

On the 29th, my husband and I made the trip in a blustery, winter storm to my parent’s house and retrieved from their deep freezer the milk I was willing to part with… and then more, before driving to L’s house to unload box upon box of bagged, frozen breastmilk. We filled her deep freezer and left boxes on the porch in the 8* night for her to bring to her parent’s deep freezer for future use.

I am a firm believer in giving when you have the opportunity to give. This particular giving opportunity may have been once-in-a-lifetime. I didn’t hesitate to give more than I felt comfortable giving. Oaklee was breastfeeding pretty comfortably. She was getting what she needed, and now, L’s baby girls could continue to get what they needed too.

L and I teared up. We hugged. We knew this moment was sacred.

Every minute I sat alone with my pump, every time I washed the pump parts, every discomfort I felt in having an oversupply of breastmilk, every tear I cried through our breastfeeding battle… it was all worth it. I would do it again and again if it meant babies – preemies especially – were being fed breastmilk they otherwise would not get.

On December 29, we completed the last stage of our 2017. In a time when most were looking ahead to resolutions, we had found resolution. Our baby was home. She was healthy. She was breastfeeding. She was sharing her mommy’s extra breastmilk with those in need – her own NICU roommates.

Good Pregnancy –> Bad Pregnancy –> NICU –> Breastfeeding Battle

Turning the page on this chapter in our life was so, so sweet. I will forever hold these dear, redemptive moments close to my heart, and while it took me an entire year to see the fruits of my detested labor, I feel incredibly blessed that God chose me to be a part of this story.

In the stats:
Birth weight: 2lb, 12oz
Last known weight: 10lb 8oz (12.1.17)
Adjusted age: 13 weeks, 6 days
Actual age: 26 weeks, 1 day
Days in the hospital: 69
Days home: 114
Appointments since home: 22

Merriest Christmas

By Christmas, we’d landed in a much better place. Still not on the growth chart, Oaklee was maintaining her own curve.

Let Oaklee be Oaklee.

Aside from the Haakaa breast pump, I was only pumping once or twice a day – only when Oaklee was taking a full feed (roughly 125ml; approximately 4.25oz) by bottle. In just under 6 months, we finally made it to the place I’d anticipated starting. Oaklee was an exclusive breastfeeder; I was a part-time working mama who could potentially only pump 6 times per week. This is what we fought for.

12.24.17

“I’m eerily aware of how different Christmas could be this year if things had not gone the way they did. Praise Jesus for saving our souls. And praise Him for saving our Oaklee’s life. We are blessed beyond words.”

If, at Thanksgiving, we were going headstrong into the breastfeeding battle, by Christmas, we were finally beginning to consider ourselves victorious.

Back in early December, we’d crossed into new territory, only giving Oaklee bottles when mommy wasn’t there to breastfeed. We had a lot of uncertainty as we took that approach. Oaklee’s growth was being tracked by her regular pediatrician, her neurodevelopmental pediatrician, an in-home nutritionist, an Early On interventionist, a WIC counselor, and an in-home nurse through a local Maternal Infant Health Program. We received every response on the spectrum to her size/growth from these people. Some, like Oaklee’s regular pediatrician, were un-phased by our decision. Others, like neuro, were initially forcefully suggesting we change our decision.

But by Christmas, we’d landed in a much better place. Still not on the growth chart, Oaklee was maintaining her own curve.

Let Oaklee be Oaklee.

Aside from the Haakaa breast pump, I was only pumping once or twice a day – only when Oaklee was taking a full feed (roughly 125ml; approximately 4.25oz) by bottle. In just under 6 months, we finally made it to the place I’d anticipated starting. Oaklee was an exclusive breastfeeder; I was a part-time working mama who could potentially only pump 6 times per week. This is what we fought for.

A lot of moms don’t nurse to 6 months. Many don’t nurse at all. But at 6 months, I was just getting into the groove of things. At 6 months, I was at the beginning I’d expected. At 6 months, Oaklee and I could finally bond during feedings instead of simultaneously cry at attempts. At 6 months, it was beautiful.

Our greatest gift this year came in June. Our most joyful moment came in September. And our hearts were the merriest at Christmas.

We were blessed to have won the breastfeeding battle. We were blessed to have celebrated Christmas with our daughter at all.

In the stats:
Birth weight: 2lb, 12oz
Last known weight: 10lb 8oz (12.1.17)
Adjusted age: 13 weeks, 1 day
Actual age: 25 weeks, 3 days
Days in the hospital: 69
Days home: 110
Appointments since home: 21

Hail to the Victor?

We’d come leaps and bounds in nursing since Thanksgiving. I’d made the commitment to be done with the battle by the end of the year, whatever that looked like. And then I charged forward, trying any new thing to get Oaklee to nurse better. 

I can’t say which one thing it was that helped us turn a corner. In retrospect, my husband and I are shocked by the determination I had, and often attribute the progress to that. However, I’d been determined for almost 6 months – if that were all we needed, it seemed like things would have changed earlier.

12.11.17

“There will always be a part of me that’s incredibly anxious about my desire to nurse Oaklee potentially holding her back.”

We’d come leaps and bounds in nursing since Thanksgiving. I’d made the commitment to be done with the battle by the end of the year, whatever that looked like. And then I charged forward, trying any new thing to get Oaklee to nurse better.

I can’t say which one thing it was that helped us turn a corner. In retrospect, my husband and I are shocked by the determination I had, and often attribute the progress to that. However, I’d been determined for almost 6 months – if that were all we needed, it seemed like things would have changed earlier.

Since Thanksgiving, I’d trudged through the following attempts to take steps toward winning the breastfeeding battle:

1 – For several days, I fed Oaklee more frequently, allowing her to eat smaller amounts more often. We’d been so used to feeding her every three hours – the hospital “care time” approach – that the idea of feeding her sooner never really occurred to us. When taking bottles, Oaklee could take a full feed easily and last another three hours before needing to eat again. When nursing, she got tired faster and we’d try to finish up that feed with a bottle and get her to make it another three hours before feeding her again.

2 – I wore Oaklee. I wore Oaklee a lot. I bought a Qaqadu baby wrap (the off-brand of the more familiar Boba Baby Wrap) and kept Oaklee on me as much as possible – ideally skin-to-skin. Some mommies will nurse their child while wearing him/her, but I was simply wearing Oaklee to get her as comfortable as possible on my chest.

3 – I used a Haakaa breast pumpThis was huge for us. A large part of our problem in getting Oaklee to breastfeed was that Oaklee was small and my supply was fast and furious. She could comfortably nurse for approximately 1 minute and 15 seconds before being blasted with the letdown and essentially drowning in breastmilk. This didn’t exactly make her excited to latch on again and proceed.

The Haakaa was a win/win. Every time I nursed, I would wear it on one side while nursing Oaklee on the other. I would pull Oaklee off at 1 minute and 15 seconds, covering her side with a burp cloth until the letdown was past, while letting the Haakaa catch it on the other side. I would then re-latch Oaklee, who could handle the post-letdown flow much easier. By the time she needed to switch to the other side, the Haakaa had removed – and salvaged – the faster flowing breastmilk and Oaklee could nurse with ease. My 3-4oz caught in the Haakaa then went into my ever-growing freezer stash of breastmilk.

4 – I had Oaklee checked for a tongue/lip tie. In my desperation, I really hoped there was an easy answer like, “Oh wow, look at that lip tie! Just a quick snip and you’ll be nursing like a pro.” However, upon taking Oaklee to a pediatric dentist to be examined for any ties, the dentist confirmed a small tie – not one that would obviously warrant feeding issues. She left the decision – to snip or not to snip – up to me, and I decided my baby had been poked and prodded enough in her 23.5 weeks of life. So both fortunately and unfortunately for us, this was not the answer.

5 – I gave Oaklee enough time to grow. I hate that this is what it largely took. And I hate telling people the very thing people told me, “She’s just too small. Give it time.” If you’re not a pumping/breastfeeding new mom, I don’t think you should be allowed to say those words to a pumping/breastfeeding new mom. You have to be in the trenches. You have to have the credentials. Because any time someone told me Oaklee was just too small, I wanted to hiss at them, “Then what do you suggest I do in the mean time? Would you like to pump 10-15 minutes 8 times a day including in the middle of the night and then give your baby bottles on top of that and also do things like generally take care of your baby?”

But when it came down to it… Oaklee was just too small. I had to give it time. Up to this point, we’d been asking her to do things she was too young to do her entire life. “I know you weren’t planning on doing this for another 12.5 weeks, but just breathe, Oaklee. Use your lungs…”

6 – For four days, I nursed every feeding but four. My husband was out of town for work. During that time I threw caution to the wind and gave Oaklee one bottle per day, and nursed her every other feeding. She nursed anywhere from 5 to 17.5 minutes in those feedings and I prayed every time it was enough. “If she were hungry, she’d let me know,” I told myself, but deep down I questioned even that basic logic.

By December 11, it looked like maybe I could win the breastfeeding battle. I was still incredibly unconfident that I was doing the right thing. Was it selfish to put my daughter’s health on the line for the sake of simply eliminating the pump I hated? Was I being a poor mother at the expense of trying to be an excellent breastfeeder? I had 20 days to flip my lack of confidence to confidence. I knew I wanted Oaklee to have breastmilk. I didn’t know how much longer I could deal with the pump.

In the stats:
Birth weight: 2lb, 12oz
Last known weight: 10lb 8oz (12.1.17)
Adjusted age: 11 weeks, 2 days
Actual age: 23 weeks, 4 days
Days in the hospital: 69
Days home: 97
Appointments since home: 19