Maternity Left

After 10 months, we could clearly say 2017 was a year of disrupted plans. Our pregnancy went wonky, we cancelled vacations, I moved into the hospital, our baby came three months early, we had to wait 69 days to take her home, I delayed my maternity leave until she did come home, and then we were faced with the decision to proceed as planned or to make some significant, longer term changes in order to best accommodate the cards we were dealt.

10.29.17

“Life sure has changed. It’s A LOT for one year… this has been both the best and worst year of my life.”

After 10 months, we could clearly say 2017 was a year of disrupted plans. Our pregnancy went wonky, we cancelled vacations, I moved into the hospital, our baby came three months early, we had to wait 69 days to take her home, I delayed my maternity leave until she did come home, and then we were faced with the decision to proceed as planned or to make some significant, longer term changes in order to best accommodate the cards we were dealt.

For most of my working days, I’d split my time between two part time jobs, largely in the non-profit world. When we were first expecting Oaklee, our plan was clear. I would quit one of my two jobs – the one that paid less and required a commute – and stay with the non-profit around the corner from my house, working three days each week. Oaklee would be babysat by my mother and my husband’s mother. We had it all figured out.

But then as I began planning for my return to work, God began opening and closing doors. I was approached by the national organization of the local affiliate I had planned on returning to. They knew of our situation and offered me a 12 hour/week position to work from home, suggesting I could achieve all of my goals with this offer – staying home two days with Oaklee and keeping my three days with my local affiliate. My gut reaction was to close that door, but instead, God closed another one for me.

When negotiating my work/babysitting schedule, things did not align due to the pre-established babysitting days of Oaklee’s grandmas and the requirements of my employer. I turned back to the national organization and dreamed with them where this position could go. They upped the offer to 15 hours/week with a slight increase in pay. It was still a step down for me, a cut in hours and a cut in pay from what I had planned. I would not be advancing my career in any way by taking this position, but I would be focusing on the current needs of my family.

I put in my two weeks notice to my local affiliate and never returned from my maternity leave. I maternity left.

Instead, I began a new job, easing in the week of the 22nd with just eight hours of training and starting my first “full week” the week of the 29th. Amidst all of the “different” and “new”, I managed to sneak in a job change, too. Every day I woke up, I did not know what I was doing during any portion of my day – whether working or taking care of my first child, my preemie.

Every part of my life had changed.

On the 29th, I also wrote,

“I’m ready to actually do this phase instead of flying through constantly changing phases… Though I guess I have to figure out how to do this phase first.”

While learning new programs and processes at work, I was also still ears deep in the breastfeeding battle. I was only attempting to breastfeed two to three of seven or eight feedings each day so Oaklee had the opportunity to continue gaining weight at an adequate rate through her bottle feeds. On the 29th, Oaklee breastfed a total of 26 minutes. This was significantly better than the days I saw 6-12 minutes, of course, but not enough to convince me she could really do this.

I just kept trying.

In every part of my life, I just kept trying.

In the stats:
Birth weight: 2lb, 12oz
Last known weight: 7lb 15oz (10.6.17)
Adjusted age: 5 weeks, 1 day
Actual age: 17 weeks, 3 days
Days in the hospital: 69
Days home: 54
Appointments since home: 9

Book Review – All We Ever Wanted

All We Ever Wanted is the story of parenthood in a digital age. Nina and Kirk Browning’s privileged son, Finch, finds himself tangled up in a mess that could disrupt his promising future when a drunken photo of Lyla Volpe, the daughter of a middle class, single dad, Tom, gets passed about from Finch’s phone.

After reading some heavy hitters, I was grateful Book Club selected some chick litty, domestic fiction. I needed a mindless read – one where no one gets murdered or taken captive. While this book was deeper than I expected, it was still the 3.5 I was looking for – something a little better than average, but nothing crazy.

Book 34:
All We Ever Wanted
by Emily Giffin

Genre:
Domestic Fiction

Published:
June 2018

Synopsis According to Mandi:
Without spoilers, All We Ever Wanted is the story of parenthood in a digital age. Nina and Kirk Browning’s privileged son, Finch, finds himself tangled up in a mess that could disrupt his promising future when a drunken photo of Lyla Volpe, the daughter of a middle class, single dad, Tom, gets passed about from Finch’s phone.

Favorite Quote(s):

“I cherished our filterless relationship and considered it the truest measure of a best friend, greater than pure affection. Who was the person you trusted enough to be your most transparent self with, in both good times and bad?” 

-Emily Giffin, All We Ever Wanted

Awards (based upon my brief research):
None yet.

Pages:
331

My Overall Rating:
3.5 – Given its genre, this was another quick read. I really appreciated the normalness and relativity of the plot to today’s society. Unfortunately, I think this type of issue is too common and awareness needs to be raised of it. The way Nina and Lyla have been treated by men/boys is unacceptable, yet women are so often misled to believe their being treated this way is their own fault. This is why Finch’s character made me absolutely bonkers. I have Finches in my life, and I hate that, in some respect, I was their Lyla. That being said, Lyla’s character was incredibly believable for me. Still, there were aspects of the plot that were cheesier than necessary, but I suppose that comes with the genre. It was a great book. I would recommend it, but it wasn’t anything crazy in my opinion.

Book Review – 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is the story of three men who are thrown from the boat of a search party for a large sea creature. They then find themselves on board said sea creature, held captive and exploring the sea from a point of view they never thought possible. 

I’m pretty certain this one was a school’s copy of a book as it was an adaptation of a classic. Not entirely excited to read the classic, this condensed adaptation was the perfect amount of story to give me the overall concept of the original without spending too much time with it.

Book 33:
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (an adaptation of the 1870 original)
by Andrea M. Clare (Adapter), Jules Verne

Genre:
Adventure Fiction

Published:
January 1950

Synopsis According to Mandi:
Without spoilers, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea is the story of three men who are thrown from the boat of a search party for a large sea creature. They then find themselves on board said sea creature, held captive and exploring the sea from a point of view they never thought possible.

Favorite Quote(s):

“Nature’s creative power is far beyond man’s instinct of destruction.” 

-Andrea M. Clare (Adapter), Jules Verne, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Awards (based upon my brief research):
None, to my knowledge, on this particular adaptation.

Pages:
92

My Overall Rating:
3 – This was a quick read, as it’s very short. This particular adaptation was very easy too. The plot was unique, and also just very weird. Captain Nemo is one of the most unique characters I’ve ever read, and I think this adaptation only touches the surface of him. It certainly wasn’t an earth shattering read, but it was worth the little time I put into it as the original is a classic.

Book Review – The Lovely Bones

The Lovely Bones is about the murder and aftermath of teenaged girl, Susie Salmon, as told by the late Susie Salmon. After her brutal murder, Susie is able to watch from Heaven as her friends and family attempt to deal with the tragedy and struggle to move on. What happens to a family when it loses one of its own? What happens to a town?

Book 32 was another Little Free Library find. I know so many people have read it and loved it. I remember hearing the buzz when the movie came out, but it just never really piqued my interest. When I found it, I took it, thinking maybe I should finally read it…

Book 32:
The Lovely Bones
by Alice Sebold

Genre:
Fiction, Mystery, Young Adult

Published:
2002

Synopsis According to Mandi:
Without spoilers, The Lovely Bones is about the murder and aftermath of teenaged girl, Susie Salmon, as told by the late Susie Salmon. After her brutal murder, Susie is able to watch from Heaven as her friends and family attempt to deal with the tragedy and struggle to move on. What happens to a family when it loses one of its own? What happens to a town?

Favorite Quote(s):

“Murderers are not monsters, they’re men. And that’s the most frightening thing about them.” 

-Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

Awards (based upon my brief research):
Oprah’s Book Club, 2010
Indies Choice Book Award for Adult Fiction, 2003

Pages:
328

My Overall Rating:
3 – My gut reaction is a low rating due to content. It was not obscenely graphic or detailed. It was just incredibly difficult to read, as a mother myself, about the murder of a daughter. I’m angered that there are people out there who can hold this story as truth in their own lives. I can’t recommend this book, because it is content we hear in the news too often, and I don’t think that should be the case.

That being said, it was well written. Writing from the standpoint of the murdered was very interesting. I appreciated the amount of detail and the details left assumed as opposed to written.

Never Have I Ever

The nurse practitioner did a basic assessment of Oaklee’s development and size and immediately suggested we put Oaklee on a high calorie infant formula, adding, “I can write you a prescription, so it would be free,” as if the cost would be the only thing that might have held us back and not the overabundant flow of breastmilk I produced, or my natural maternal desire to breastfeed, or, you know, the fact that I was sick of intervening with God’s plan.

10.7.17

“I think at some point we have to stop assuming our man-made things are better than those God intended.”

Early October saw a different type of challenging times for us. While navigating a potential job change amidst my maternity leave, we also made our first trip back to visit the Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital Neurodevelopmental team. Upon discharge, we were told this team would be following Oaklee’s progress for approximately three years as they, “promote the growth and development of infants and toddlers affected by developmental delays.”

It was not yet made clear whether or not Oaklee was, indeed, affected by a developmental delay other than the obvious. She was born 3 months early. This is where her actual and adjusted ages come into play. She might actually be 14 weeks and 2 days old, but, from her due date, she was an adjusted 2 week old baby, and tracking developmentally as so. In these first three years, that 3 month developmental delay would be allowed.

However, weight-wise she would be tracked based on her actual age. (There is no such thing as an adjusted weight.) Therefore, coming in at 7lb and 15oz at her Neurodevelopmental appointment, Oaklee was nowhere near making her appearance on the growth chart. In the realms of percentiles, how many babies weigh more or less than her, she wasn’t even in the first percentile. We were, essentially, being told 99.99% of babies her age weighed more than her, and this was a problem. The average 14 week old girl, one in the 50th percentile, would weigh 13lb 2oz.

It was no shock to us that Oaklee weighed significantly less than average. She’d already gained 5 pounds in her 14 weeks. We’d seen her so much smaller than she was now. However, it was a bit of a shock that it was considered a problem that she was not the size of a 14 week old baby.

During her Neurodevelopmental appointment, three people saw Oaklee.

The first was a nurse. She took vitals and measurements.

The second was a nurse practitioner. She did a basic assessment of Oaklee’s development and size and immediately suggested we put Oaklee on a high calorie infant formula, adding, “I can write you a prescription, so it would be free,” as if the cost would be the only thing that might have held us back and not the overabundant flow of breastmilk I produced, or my natural maternal desire to breastfeed, or, you know, the fact that I was sick of intervening with God’s plan.

The third person in the room was a man – I assume a doctor – one of whom I haven’t seen in our appointments since. He was in the room for less than five minutes, but managed to utter the phrase that pushed me over the emotional edge, “I’m sorry that you’ll never get to breastfeed a baby.”

My inner dialogue went rampant.

Because Oaklee is too small, I’ll never get to breastfeed her? Because Oaklee is too small, I’ll never get to breastfeed any of my babies? So, what? I’m only ever going to have preemies? Did you just condemn me to eternal premature babies? Do you even know the amount of work I’ve put in with my pump these past 14 weeks? Do you know that I’ve filled a deep freezer with breastmilk and started filling a second? Do you actually think I’m going to just pitch that breastmilk and take your free formula?

I was livid.

And then the man left the room and the nurse practitioner wrote Oaklee a prescription for a high calorie infant formula and we were on our merry fricken way.

Tears slipped out of my eyes on my way to the parking garage, the one we’d parked in every day for 69 days when visiting Oaklee in the hospital.

When… when do things get to be normal?

We had done our time. We had taken the unconventional route. We had let doctors intervene to save our child’s life and to get her to a point where we could take her home. But at what point does she just get to be a baby and not a preemie? At what point do we just get to be new parents and not Oaklee’s scientists, physical therapists, occupational therapists, etc.? At what point do we trust God’s miracle of life without taking another man-made jab at it?

My gut (or my maternal instinct) told me to continue the breastfeeding battle. My husband told me he was fine with that as well.

I threw the prescription away.

On the 6th, the day of the appointment, I didn’t nurse Oaklee once. I was heartbroken. On the 7th, I nursed her twice, for a grand total of 11 minutes. We were nowhere near 15 minute feeds.

In the stats:
Birth weight: 2lb, 12oz
Last known weight: 7lb 15oz (10.6.17)
Adjusted age: 2 weeks
Actual age: 14 weeks, 2 days
Days in the hospital: 69
Days home: 32
Appointments since home: 6

Book Review – Extraordinary Means

Extraordinary Means is about Lane Rosen’s experience as he’s uprooted from his scholarly pursuit upon his diagnosis of modern day “Total Drug Resistant Tuberculosis”. He’s sent away to a sanatorium, Latham House, filled with kids with the same diagnosis who either get better and go home or die in this secluded environment with crazy rules, med sensors and strict regulations. It’s at Latham House that Lane learns important things about himself, what a true friend is, what he wants of whatever future he still has, and how to love. What does it mean for time to run out? What will unfold before then?

Confession: if there’s a Little Free Library on the side of the road, I will stop. I will take a book if I want it. Even if I don’t have one to replace it with. I do keep a stockpile at home of books I’m willing to part with, though, so sometimes I’ll take a book from one LFL and replace it with a book to another LFL. I like to think it’s all one big cycle. This next one was taken from a Little Free Library way out in the boonies of North Door and replaced by another book I had with me. I totally judged it by its cover when I grabbed it and, well… I wasn’t wrong.

Book 31:
Extraordinary Means
by Robyn Schneider

Genre:
Fiction, Young Adult

Published:
May 2015

Synopsis According to Mandi:
Without spoilers, Extraordinary Means is about Lane Rosen’s experience as he’s uprooted from his scholarly pursuit upon his diagnosis of modern day “Total Drug Resistant Tuberculosis”. He’s sent away to a sanatorium, Latham House, filled with kids with the same diagnosis who either get better and go home or die in this secluded environment with crazy rules, med sensors and strict regulations. It’s at Latham House that Lane learns important things about himself, what a true friend is, what he wants of whatever future he still has, and how to love. What does it mean for time to run out? What will unfold before then?

Favorite Quote(s):

“… I’ll keep going. Because that’s all you can do in this world, no matter how strong the current beats against you, or how heavy your burden, or how tragic your love story. You keep going. It took a lot of things to make me realize that. To make me see the path, as opposed to the destination.” 

-Robyn Schneider, Extraordinary Means

Awards (based upon my brief research):
Goodreads Choice Awards Best Historical Fiction
Audie Award for Best Female Narrator

Pages:
324

My Overall Rating:
4 – At times, the inner dialog seemed too childish for the ages of the characters and there was one highly inappropriate scene that did not contribute to the overall plot that I could have done without. However, this story was gold. I cried twice. I fell in love with the characters and felt like I was one of their gang. I rooted something fierce for them and loved how the story turned out – the good and bad parts of it – because it all seemed so believable despite the fact that there is no such thing as the illness they were all fighting.