My Christmas Letter… Again

I don’t know what 2019 holds, but this is where my re-telling ends. This is where we officially let Oaklee be Oaklee. Our story, these days, is not much different than the stories of other 18-month-olds… and that feels pretty good. 

Be sure to read through to the P.S. at the bottom!

12.31.17

“I think I’m just going to be a mommy now and enjoy this baby phase with Oaklee…”

Friends and family,

As I close out the re-telling of our 2017, I look back on 2018 and see so much love, so much joy and so much redemption. I feel so humbled by the way God has turned my story around. 2017 was hard and painful. 2018 was hard and beautiful. I became a mom in 2017. I embraced being a mom in 2018.

In 2017, I fought a 6 month breastfeeding battle through anger, tears and frustration, leaning heavily on my breastpump. In 2018, I breastfed my child – largely with ease – the entire year.

In 2017, I was confined to the greater Grand Rapids area due to bedrest, proximity to the hospital, and, eventually, having a smaller-than-usual baby at home. In 2018, my husband and I took that baby from sea to shining sea – from Portland, ME to Portland, OR – catching weekends in Illinois, New York and northern Michigan in between.

In 2017, my baby was seen daily by a doctor for 69 days before attending 22 appointments in the remaining 3 months of the year. Not once did she appear on the growth chart. Not once did she make any developmental achievement at or ahead of what her actual age would have suggested. In 2018, my baby attended a total of 20 appointments with various health professionals. She made her first appearance on the growth chart in early January, coming in at the 2nd percentile for weight, and closed out the year over the 30th. She developed at or above expectations and finished the year – like any other 18-month old – a walking, talking toddler.

In 2017, I began feeding other babies with excess breastmilk, an opportunity I’d never aspired to have, but one I was confronted with. I donated to Oaklee’s neighbor(s) in both places she’d lived – in the NICU and at home. In 2018, I donated even more milk to those babies, plus a friend-of-a-friend’s baby, donating a total of 4,000oz (31.25 gallons, to put that in perspective). While I hated almost everything that came along with having an over-abundant supply of breastmilk, I would do it again and again if it meant I would have the opportunity to help mommies/babies so substantially like I was able to over the course of these past 18 months.

In 2017, I was stretched, I was mad, I was frustrated, sad, blindsided, confused, scared, regretful, tired, hopeful, relieved, grateful, redeemed. In 2018, I was stretched, I was happy, I was joyful, busy, adventurous, grateful, love-filled, content.

I don’t know what 2019 holds, but this is where my re-telling ends. This is where we officially let Oaklee be Oaklee. Our story, these days, is not much different than the stories of other 18-month-olds… and that feels pretty good.

Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

In the stats:
Birth weight: 2lb, 12oz
Last known weight: 10lb 8oz (12.1.17)
Adjusted age: 14 weeks, 1 day
Actual age: 26 weeks, 3 days
Days in the hospital: 69
Days home: 116
Appointments since home: 22

P.S. Thank you to those who’ve journeyed along with me through this re-telling! I do not have any concrete plans for where things will go next in this blog particularly, and will therefore take no offense should you choose to unfollow. There may be some radio silence for a while, but I will continue to post book reviews for those interested in what I’m reading, I will be fundraising for the March of Dimes again and will give updates as to progress there, and I will fill you in (eventually) on my next writing project – something I’ve dreamed about for years and am very excited to take steps toward in 2019!

Redemption

For every minute I sat alone with my pump, every time I washed the pump parts, every discomfort I felt in having an oversupply of breastmilk, every tear I cried through our breastfeeding battle, I found redemption in the opportunity to not only feed my child, but her NICU roommates as well.

12.29.17

“The most notable gift I gave this season was the gift of 1,836 ounces of breastmilk to the mom of the preemie twins who were in the same room as Oaklee in the NICU… I gave her over half of my freezer stock that’s left after having given 1000 oz to my neighbor, too. What a blessing it is to be able to be this blessing to another NICU mom. I don’t think I’ve ever given a better gift.”

For every minute I sat alone with my pump, every time I washed the pump parts, every discomfort I felt in having an oversupply of breastmilk, every tear I cried through our breastfeeding battle, I found redemption in the opportunity to not only feed my child, but her NICU roommates as well.

Over the course of Oaklee’s 69-day NICU stay, I was able to get to know a fellow NICU parent. In a room of eight isolettes, babies came and babies went, but two isolettes were occupied the entire time by twin girls born at roughly the same gestational age as Oaklee. Their mommy, L, and I would chat briefly as we passed each other in the halls or turned in our breast milk to the Nutrition room.

As we both prepared for the discharge of our kiddos, L mentioned the challenge it would be for her to maintain her pumping regime while adding the sole responsibility of feeding and caring for two babies on top of it.

L is a single mother. The twins are kiddos two and three for her. While, at the time, I did not know her story, I saw a great opportunity in what I did know to help Oaklee’s NICU roommates. On the day of Oaklee’s discharge, I left a note with L that included my phone number and told her of my overabundant supply of breastmilk. I urged her to reach out if/when she ran out of her own freezer stock once the girls came home.

Over the course of the next couple of months, I didn’t hear anything. Eventually, my freezer stock filled my deep freezer, my parent’s larger deep freezer and my parent’s upright freezer. I had an unruly supply of breastmilk – one I would never get all the way through, and one that was taking up more than my fair share of space in another person’s freezer.

With no way to get a hold of L, I reached out to my neighbor, whose son was born one day after Oaklee and had been on donor milk ever since. Over the course of two deliveries, I gave him 1000 oz of breastmilk, clearing out the upright freezer of my parents and dipping into their deep freezer.

Breastmilk is good for one year when stored in a deep freezer. Knowing I had more than I could use, I was aware I would need to donate more, and I would need to do it in a way that gave the receiver enough time to use it up before it expired. I didn’t know if L would reach out to me, and unfortunately, I couldn’t wait.

Similarly to how I’d decided the end of the year would be the end of the breastfeeding battle, I decided December 29 would be the cutoff for my waiting on L. On December 29, Oaklee would be 6 months old. My breastmilk would have a minimum expiration time of 6 months so long as I found someone to donate to quickly.

And on December 29, I received a text message from L, inquiring about the milk. In retrospect, I can see how many moments of our journey were clearly Divinely aligned, but this one was obvious from the moment I received that text message.

On the 29th, my husband and I made the trip in a blustery, winter storm to my parent’s house and retrieved from their deep freezer the milk I was willing to part with… and then more, before driving to L’s house to unload box upon box of bagged, frozen breastmilk. We filled her deep freezer and left boxes on the porch in the 8* night for her to bring to her parent’s deep freezer for future use.

I am a firm believer in giving when you have the opportunity to give. This particular giving opportunity may have been once-in-a-lifetime. I didn’t hesitate to give more than I felt comfortable giving. Oaklee was breastfeeding pretty comfortably. She was getting what she needed, and now, L’s baby girls could continue to get what they needed too.

L and I teared up. We hugged. We knew this moment was sacred.

Every minute I sat alone with my pump, every time I washed the pump parts, every discomfort I felt in having an oversupply of breastmilk, every tear I cried through our breastfeeding battle… it was all worth it. I would do it again and again if it meant babies – preemies especially – were being fed breastmilk they otherwise would not get.

On December 29, we completed the last stage of our 2017. In a time when most were looking ahead to resolutions, we had found resolution. Our baby was home. She was healthy. She was breastfeeding. She was sharing her mommy’s extra breastmilk with those in need – her own NICU roommates.

Good Pregnancy –> Bad Pregnancy –> NICU –> Breastfeeding Battle

Turning the page on this chapter in our life was so, so sweet. I will forever hold these dear, redemptive moments close to my heart, and while it took me an entire year to see the fruits of my detested labor, I feel incredibly blessed that God chose me to be a part of this story.

In the stats:
Birth weight: 2lb, 12oz
Last known weight: 10lb 8oz (12.1.17)
Adjusted age: 13 weeks, 6 days
Actual age: 26 weeks, 1 day
Days in the hospital: 69
Days home: 114
Appointments since home: 22

Merriest Christmas

By Christmas, we’d landed in a much better place. Still not on the growth chart, Oaklee was maintaining her own curve.

Let Oaklee be Oaklee.

Aside from the Haakaa breast pump, I was only pumping once or twice a day – only when Oaklee was taking a full feed (roughly 125ml; approximately 4.25oz) by bottle. In just under 6 months, we finally made it to the place I’d anticipated starting. Oaklee was an exclusive breastfeeder; I was a part-time working mama who could potentially only pump 6 times per week. This is what we fought for.

12.24.17

“I’m eerily aware of how different Christmas could be this year if things had not gone the way they did. Praise Jesus for saving our souls. And praise Him for saving our Oaklee’s life. We are blessed beyond words.”

If, at Thanksgiving, we were going headstrong into the breastfeeding battle, by Christmas, we were finally beginning to consider ourselves victorious.

Back in early December, we’d crossed into new territory, only giving Oaklee bottles when mommy wasn’t there to breastfeed. We had a lot of uncertainty as we took that approach. Oaklee’s growth was being tracked by her regular pediatrician, her neurodevelopmental pediatrician, an in-home nutritionist, an Early On interventionist, a WIC counselor, and an in-home nurse through a local Maternal Infant Health Program. We received every response on the spectrum to her size/growth from these people. Some, like Oaklee’s regular pediatrician, were un-phased by our decision. Others, like neuro, were initially forcefully suggesting we change our decision.

But by Christmas, we’d landed in a much better place. Still not on the growth chart, Oaklee was maintaining her own curve.

Let Oaklee be Oaklee.

Aside from the Haakaa breast pump, I was only pumping once or twice a day – only when Oaklee was taking a full feed (roughly 125ml; approximately 4.25oz) by bottle. In just under 6 months, we finally made it to the place I’d anticipated starting. Oaklee was an exclusive breastfeeder; I was a part-time working mama who could potentially only pump 6 times per week. This is what we fought for.

A lot of moms don’t nurse to 6 months. Many don’t nurse at all. But at 6 months, I was just getting into the groove of things. At 6 months, I was at the beginning I’d expected. At 6 months, Oaklee and I could finally bond during feedings instead of simultaneously cry at attempts. At 6 months, it was beautiful.

Our greatest gift this year came in June. Our most joyful moment came in September. And our hearts were the merriest at Christmas.

We were blessed to have won the breastfeeding battle. We were blessed to have celebrated Christmas with our daughter at all.

In the stats:
Birth weight: 2lb, 12oz
Last known weight: 10lb 8oz (12.1.17)
Adjusted age: 13 weeks, 1 day
Actual age: 25 weeks, 3 days
Days in the hospital: 69
Days home: 110
Appointments since home: 21

Hail to the Victor?

We’d come leaps and bounds in nursing since Thanksgiving. I’d made the commitment to be done with the battle by the end of the year, whatever that looked like. And then I charged forward, trying any new thing to get Oaklee to nurse better. 

I can’t say which one thing it was that helped us turn a corner. In retrospect, my husband and I are shocked by the determination I had, and often attribute the progress to that. However, I’d been determined for almost 6 months – if that were all we needed, it seemed like things would have changed earlier.

12.11.17

“There will always be a part of me that’s incredibly anxious about my desire to nurse Oaklee potentially holding her back.”

We’d come leaps and bounds in nursing since Thanksgiving. I’d made the commitment to be done with the battle by the end of the year, whatever that looked like. And then I charged forward, trying any new thing to get Oaklee to nurse better.

I can’t say which one thing it was that helped us turn a corner. In retrospect, my husband and I are shocked by the determination I had, and often attribute the progress to that. However, I’d been determined for almost 6 months – if that were all we needed, it seemed like things would have changed earlier.

Since Thanksgiving, I’d trudged through the following attempts to take steps toward winning the breastfeeding battle:

1 – For several days, I fed Oaklee more frequently, allowing her to eat smaller amounts more often. We’d been so used to feeding her every three hours – the hospital “care time” approach – that the idea of feeding her sooner never really occurred to us. When taking bottles, Oaklee could take a full feed easily and last another three hours before needing to eat again. When nursing, she got tired faster and we’d try to finish up that feed with a bottle and get her to make it another three hours before feeding her again.

2 – I wore Oaklee. I wore Oaklee a lot. I bought a Qaqadu baby wrap (the off-brand of the more familiar Boba Baby Wrap) and kept Oaklee on me as much as possible – ideally skin-to-skin. Some mommies will nurse their child while wearing him/her, but I was simply wearing Oaklee to get her as comfortable as possible on my chest.

3 – I used a Haakaa breast pumpThis was huge for us. A large part of our problem in getting Oaklee to breastfeed was that Oaklee was small and my supply was fast and furious. She could comfortably nurse for approximately 1 minute and 15 seconds before being blasted with the letdown and essentially drowning in breastmilk. This didn’t exactly make her excited to latch on again and proceed.

The Haakaa was a win/win. Every time I nursed, I would wear it on one side while nursing Oaklee on the other. I would pull Oaklee off at 1 minute and 15 seconds, covering her side with a burp cloth until the letdown was past, while letting the Haakaa catch it on the other side. I would then re-latch Oaklee, who could handle the post-letdown flow much easier. By the time she needed to switch to the other side, the Haakaa had removed – and salvaged – the faster flowing breastmilk and Oaklee could nurse with ease. My 3-4oz caught in the Haakaa then went into my ever-growing freezer stash of breastmilk.

4 – I had Oaklee checked for a tongue/lip tie. In my desperation, I really hoped there was an easy answer like, “Oh wow, look at that lip tie! Just a quick snip and you’ll be nursing like a pro.” However, upon taking Oaklee to a pediatric dentist to be examined for any ties, the dentist confirmed a small tie – not one that would obviously warrant feeding issues. She left the decision – to snip or not to snip – up to me, and I decided my baby had been poked and prodded enough in her 23.5 weeks of life. So both fortunately and unfortunately for us, this was not the answer.

5 – I gave Oaklee enough time to grow. I hate that this is what it largely took. And I hate telling people the very thing people told me, “She’s just too small. Give it time.” If you’re not a pumping/breastfeeding new mom, I don’t think you should be allowed to say those words to a pumping/breastfeeding new mom. You have to be in the trenches. You have to have the credentials. Because any time someone told me Oaklee was just too small, I wanted to hiss at them, “Then what do you suggest I do in the mean time? Would you like to pump 10-15 minutes 8 times a day including in the middle of the night and then give your baby bottles on top of that and also do things like generally take care of your baby?”

But when it came down to it… Oaklee was just too small. I had to give it time. Up to this point, we’d been asking her to do things she was too young to do her entire life. “I know you weren’t planning on doing this for another 12.5 weeks, but just breathe, Oaklee. Use your lungs…”

6 – For four days, I nursed every feeding but four. My husband was out of town for work. During that time I threw caution to the wind and gave Oaklee one bottle per day, and nursed her every other feeding. She nursed anywhere from 5 to 17.5 minutes in those feedings and I prayed every time it was enough. “If she were hungry, she’d let me know,” I told myself, but deep down I questioned even that basic logic.

By December 11, it looked like maybe I could win the breastfeeding battle. I was still incredibly unconfident that I was doing the right thing. Was it selfish to put my daughter’s health on the line for the sake of simply eliminating the pump I hated? Was I being a poor mother at the expense of trying to be an excellent breastfeeder? I had 20 days to flip my lack of confidence to confidence. I knew I wanted Oaklee to have breastmilk. I didn’t know how much longer I could deal with the pump.

In the stats:
Birth weight: 2lb, 12oz
Last known weight: 10lb 8oz (12.1.17)
Adjusted age: 11 weeks, 2 days
Actual age: 23 weeks, 4 days
Days in the hospital: 69
Days home: 97
Appointments since home: 19